Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
