well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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