plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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