so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
