so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
