maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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