I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
