I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
