he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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