I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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