Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
