So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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