dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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