I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
