i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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