very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
