she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
