I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
