Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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