I cannot find my penis.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize