I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Randomize
