If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
