sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
