Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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