i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
