Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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