highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
