last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
