i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
