Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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