I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's blow job season.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize