The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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