You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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