saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
