You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
