I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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