If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
