i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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