Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize