I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
cat food counts as protein by the way
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A bitchslap is in order.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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