I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize