I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
