I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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