normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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