you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
