look no pants
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
