cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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