so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Watching her eat just hurts me
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
