were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
