Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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