maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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