did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
