my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize